Tonight, I’m missing you extra. Nothing triggered it, at least to my knowledge, but at the moment the pain is exceptional. It’s an overwhelming homesickness that I can’t soothe, because home was in your arms.
It had been such a good week, too! I worked long hours and got the bills paid and even had enough left over to go out and enjoy myself. I was surrounded with friends and family and had a heart full of gratitude and love. But tonight, your absence is palpable and I feel especially alone. The music that usually cheers me up doesn’t sound the same. And my motivation to get anything done is just nonexistent, so tomorrow I will feel extra stress as I try to catch up from the things I let slide today. But tonight, I just have to let these feelings take control and I’ll deal with tomorrow when it comes. Tonight I’m missing you a little extra and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Staring at your picture isn’t enough… it doesn’t fill the void. I can’t feel the roughness of your hands or smell the sweetness on your breath. Videos on repeat allow me to hear your voice, but make me want to have new conversations with you. I have so much to tell you, and maybe you hear it when I talk to you while I drive, but I won’t ever know your response. I want to talk to you about how well your little boy is doing, because you would be so damn proud of him. I want to tell you about the funny thing that happened the other day and hear you laugh while you shake your head. I want to show you that thing I fixed on my truck, even though you would have picked on me for my YouTube mechanic skills. Things keep changing, and every day that passes is another day you wont ever experience.
Every night when it gets dark I get mad because you should have been home hours ago. You missed dinner, I had to take care of all of the chores by myself, and now I’m lying down in bed and you still aren’t home. It doesn’t matter how many times I check the time or glance over at the door, I know you won’t be home and I’m just going to keep on missing you.
Tomorrow will be better, as it usually is. The aching I feel right now will lessen when the sun comes up, and this pain will be just another memory, at least until the next time this void you left in my life decides to swallow me up for a few hours. There’s a comfort in knowing that nothing is permanent. This hurt is just another part of the human experience, and hopefully will mold me to be something even greater in my next chapter of this life.
Ride each wave as it comes and trust that tomorrow will bring some relief. Come to peace with the pain, as it is just another feeling and just another reminder that we’re alive and vulnerable. Nothing lasts forever, so tonight I’m going to curl up with your old t-shirt and feel every drop of emotion that washes over me.
Merely Sarah 